What happened to my daughter?

Written by Tom Stein | 03 March 2010

A young girl of 10 gallops into the kitchen to greet her mother: “It was awesome!  I scored three goals today. It felt great! What's for dinner? I can't wait to tell you about my day. Can Ashley and Sienna come over for dinner? I want them to see my new hamster. Maybe you can help us with our homework later ...”

Four years later the front door slams as the same girl runs up the stairs to avoid her mother. Her mother yells up: “Kathi, what's going on? You said we would spend some time together this afternoon. At least come down and say hello.” No response. Mom wonders what happened to the energetic, curious, considerate daughter she used to have.

Does this scenario sound familiar? What happens to make girls, as they enter adolescence, transformed from giggling, happy, talkative, cooperative and joyful young people into sullen, secretive, image and peer obsessed teens?

Today's culture presents a different world to our children than that of 20 years ago. Our world has become smaller as the internet and phones universalize the teen experience. Teens turn to their peers for information: after all, someone else's opinion is there at the touch of a few keys. My Space, IM'ing, texting, tweeting, all have allowed instant public opinion and the accompanying (unsolicited) advice to replace what used to be given by family and close friends. This produces a culture of conflicting expectations. And what are those expectations? A teenage girl should be a fashion-conscious model: beautiful, skinny, made up, with piercings, tattoos, and the appropriately chic grungy clothing. She should be the same as others, but not too much the same; after all she needs to be an independent individual who keeps up with what's cool. She gets her information from peers about sex, substance use, and what is important and what is not, yet she should be her own person and make her own decisions. Her reality is not what is in front of her, but what she hears on her MP3 player, or sees on the screen of her phone. Her sense of self and power no longer seems to come from inside, but from the constant bombardment of rapidly changing and chaotic outside influence.

Add all this to our culture's expectation that women be super people, nurturers, homemakers, mothers, breadwinners, and it is not surprising how confused and lost they become.

Mary Pipher states in her book, Reviving Ophelia, Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, “Adolescent girls experience a conflict between their autonomous selves and their need to be feminine, between their status as human beings and their vocation as females.” She continues “They struggle with adolescent questions still unresolved: How important are looks and popularity? How do I care for myself and not be selfish? How can I be honest and still be loved? How can I achieve and not threaten others? How can I be sexual and not a sex object? How can I be responsive but not responsible for everyone.” Alice Miller, author of the Drama of the Gifted Child, believes that adolescent girls give up their authentic, natural self, and develop a false self whose validation comes from outside. 

Many of the women I see as a therapist continue to struggle with these questions as they deal with the existential questions of authenticity and meaning. Who am I within the context of individual, couple, family, and community? How do I meet my needs for connection and validation while retaining my sense of self?

How do women resolve this struggle? Margaret Meade defined strength as valuing all those parts of the self whether they are valued by the culture or not. This is a daunting task as evidenced by the number of women I see every day whose experience vacillates between their pre-adolescent competent and connected self, and their adolescent self-conscious, self-critical, and other-pleasing self. The technological innovations of the past 20 years seem to universalize behaviors and engender a stronger false sense of self than what is authentic. The key is to rediscover and encourage that 10 year-old girl whose curiosity, personality, and relationship to the world come from inside.

What can be done to facilitate a healthy transition into womanhood? 1. Be aware of the internal struggle and the cultural influences that are in play. 2. Don't forget there is still a little girl inside who needs and craves care and nurturing despite the tough exterior. 3. Watch for signs of extreme or destructive behavior but refrain from criticizing or judging when things aren't going well. 4. Be supportive, allow age-appropriate independence and assertiveness. And 5. Encourage open communication and trust.

Tom Stein is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern in private practice. He specializes in teens and women who have experienced trauma, using EMDR.